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Graveyard Humour

05 January 2015 - 09:12 PM

Hope these old tombstone epitaphs are still funny to you.



Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903-Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down.
It was.


In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up And no place to go.


In a LondonCemetery Jokes, England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec.  8, 1767


In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace:
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.


In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon me For not rising.


In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.


In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.


A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.


John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art In want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep;
And thou wilt find a Penny.


In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June,
Jonathan Fiddle Went out of tune.


Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls,Vermont
Here lies the body of our Anna -
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.


On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.


In a cemetery in England:
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, you soon will be.
Prepare yourself and follow me.

To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent
Until I know which way you went


Last add, from Boot Hill, in Tombstone, Arizona:
Here lies Lester Moore
One slug from a 44
No Les
No More


Is War In The Cards For 2015?

02 January 2015 - 08:22 AM

Is War in the Cards for 2015?
By Patrick J. Buchanan


Friday - January 2, 2015

"If you see 10 troubles coming down the road, you can be sure that nine will run into the ditch before they reach you," said Calvin Coolidge, whose portrait hung in the Cabinet Room of the Reagan White House.

Among the dispositions shared by the two conservatives was a determination to stay out of other people's wars.

Peering into 2015, there are wars into which our interventionists are eager to plunge that represent no immediate or grave threat to us.

One is the war the Islamic State group is waging in Syria and Iraq, a menace so great, we are told, it may require U.S. ground troops.

But why? Syria and Iraq are 5,000 miles away. And because of its barbarism and incompetence, the Islamic State is losing support in the Sunni lands it now occupies.

The Kurds have halted the group's advance toward Irbil, Iraq. Shiite militias, no friends of ours, have halted its advance toward Baghdad. The Islamic State is under steady drone and air attack by the U.S. and Arab allies. Iran is providing men and materiel to Damascus and Baghdad in their battle against the group.

Now the Turks and Gulf Arabs, including the Saudis, appear to have awakened to the threat and are weighing in against the Islamic State.

Why not let them do the fighting?

By staying out of the two world wars of the 20th century until the other great powers were fully engaged and horribly bled, America emerged triumphant with the fewest casualties and least damage.

That used to be called statesmanship.

Moreover, compared with Nazi Germany, imperial Japan, Stalin's USSR and Mao's China, the Islamic State doesn't even make the "JV," to use Barack Obama's term.

Last month, the drums were beating for an attack on North Korea for what Sen. John McCain called a "new form of warfare" and what Sen. Lindsey Graham called "cyberterrorism" aided by China.

In "A Reply to Kim's Cyberterrorism," The Wall Street Journal urged a "forceful response" to deter "future attacks." Swiftly, there followed the crashing of North Korea's Internet system.

Query: If reports are true that Sony Pictures was hacked by ticked-off ex-employees yet North Korea's Internet was brought down by a U.S. cyberattack, who is the cyberterrorist now?

Perhaps some of those Iranian technicians in Natanz who watched their centrifuges breaking down and blowing up from the Stuxnet virus have some thoughts on this.

But the most determined push for war in 2015 will come from neocons and interventionists who want a U.S.-Putin confrontation and regime change in Russia.

And as Russia has a nuclear arsenal to match our own, this is a matter of real gravity.

Because of U.S.-EU sanctions on Russia for its role in Ukraine and the collapse in the price of oil, Russia's principal export, the ruble has lost half its value, and the economy faces a contraction of 5 percent in 2015.

Real hardships lie ahead for the Russian people. But it seems they are not blaming Vladimir Putin for their troubles. They are blaming us.

"According to the respected Moscow 'Levada Center,' which measures political sentiment in Russian society," the New York Observer reports, "74 percent of Russians have negative feelings towards the USA. ... In the 1990s, 80 percent had positive attitude toward America.

"Currently, 76 percent of Russians hate Obama personally and only a meager 2 percent like him. ... These are the maximum peaks of anti-American feelings in Russia in years. ... Just last week Visa and MasterCard completely stopped their operations in Crimea, leaving more than 2 million people there without access to their money."

One Moscow supermarket is using American flags as doormats, and customers are wiping their feet on them.

Before going home, Congress voted to levy new sanctions on Russia and authorized U.S. lethal weapons to be sent to Kiev to enable Ukraine to retake Luhansk and Donetsk and perhaps Crimea.

Obama signed the bill.

With Republican hawks taking over all congressional committees dealing with foreign and defense policy, peace and war, in the new year, there will be a competitive clamor that Obama send the guns to Kiev.

And what happens then?

Will Putin abandon the rebels and face the rage of the Russian people for backing down? Will Putin wait for the U.S. anti-tank weapons and ammunition to arrive and be sent to eastern Ukraine?

Or will Putin, a decisive sort, send in the Russian army before the U.S. weapons arrive, hive off a land bridge to Crimea -- and maybe more for bartering purposes -- and call Obama's bluff?

In his New Year's message to the Russian people, Putin hailed the annexation of Crimea as an achievement that will "forever remain a landmark in the national history."

Doesn't sound as if he'll be giving Crimea up any time soon.

"It's tough to make predictions, especially about the future," said the wise Yogi Berra. But one prediction seems not too risky.

Either Obama and Putin enter negotiations over Ukraine or the war in Ukraine, with 4,700 dead since April, gets bigger and wider.



Screen Time

26 December 2014 - 09:18 PM

How do you change the amount of time your computer is idle before the screen saver stuff comes up?


This computer has Windows 7.

Bible Scholar: The New Date For Christ's Return

22 December 2014 - 12:38 PM

Bible Scholar: The NEW Date for Christ's Return


Why one Bible scholar is arguing that Hal Lindsey's famous prediction for Christ's return wasn't so wrong


It's one of the most controversial parables in the Bible: the lesson of the fig tree.


Hal Lindsey, author of The Late Great Planet Earth, believed he had unlocked the secrets of this passage in Matthew 24:32-33, suggesting the generation that saw the 1948 rebirth of Israel as a nation—purportedly symbolized by the fig tree—would see the return of Jesus Christ. In what became the world's best-selling nonfiction book of the 1970s, Lindsey wrote a biblical generation is "something like 40 years" and suggested that "within 40 years or so of 1948, all these things could take place."


But when Jesus didn't return in 1988, Lindsey's interpretation of the passage came under heavy criticism and for many years the church largely shied away from teaching Bible prophecy. Now, World Bible Society President F. Kenton "Doc" Beshore argues Lindsey's interpretation of the passage was correct, but he was wrong about the length of a biblical generation.


Instead of 40 years, Beshore says a biblical generation is actually 70-80 years, basing this on Psalm 90:10: "The days of our life are 70 years; and if by reason of strength they are 80 years." Based on this, the author of When?: When Will the Rapture Take Place? and The Millennium, the Apocalypse and Armageddon believes the Second Coming will occur sometime between 2018 and 2028, or 70 to 80 years after 1948. Taking into account the seven-year Tribulation period, Beshore expects the rapture to occur sometime between now and 2021.


"Jesus says in Matthew 24:34 that this 'born one,' or 'this generation will not pass away until all these things be fulfilled,'" says Beshore, 86, who holds five doctoral degrees in theology. "He pictures Israel as a Jewish boy, born May 14, 1948, that would grow up and become an old man until He comes in glory to establish His millennial kingdom. Now, how long is this generation—this 'born one'? The first meaning of 'born one' is in Psalm 90:10. If you extend that from 1948, the outside date for the millennium would be 2028. Take off seven years for the Tribulation and the outside date for the rapture would be 2021. The rapture could take place before that, but certainly by then."


In When? Beshore explains that Jesus during the Olivet Discourse—a special briefing for His disciples about what would take place before and during the Tribulation—used the illustration of a pregnant woman to describe what the "Church Age" would be like. Christ said it would be a long period of time, and at the end there would be two birth pangs and then a birth, Beshore writes.

"We saw almost 1,900 years pass from the start of the Church Age (33 A.D.) until the first birth pang, World War I (1914)," Beshore writes. "The second birth pain came in 1939 with the Second World War, and then the birth of the nation of Israel in 1948. The Lord will return before Israel becomes an old man by age 80 in 2028, and seven years earlier to rapture the church."


But Mark Hitchcock, pastor of Faith Bible Church in Edmond, Okla., and author of 2012, the Bible, and the End of the World and The Late Great United States, doesn't believe the blossoming of the fig tree in Matthew 24:32 refers to Israel.


"It just says the fig tree will blossom and this generation won't pass away until all those things are fulfilled," Hitchcock says. "I just think He's saying, 'Look, when you see all these things happening in the Tribulation period ... that generation won't pass away until all these things are fulfilled."


But Beshore says the Bible often uses the fig tree as a symbol for Israel. In Matthew 21, Jesus cursed the fig tree after driving the money-changers out of the Temple—a prophetic foreshadow of Jerusalem's destruction in 70 A.D, Beshore says. Later, in Matthew 24, Jesus speaks of the blossoming of the fig tree, adding "this generation will not pass away until all these things have taken place"—a prophetic reference to the rebirth of Israel in 1948, Beshore says. And that "generation," or the Jewish boy representing Israel, will live to see the Second Coming, Beshore believes.


"While the Bible says we don't know the day or hour, it certainly says that we know the times and seasons (1 Thessalonians 5:1-10)," Beshore says. "This Jewish boy growing up demonstrates we are in the time and season of the Lord's return."



Republican Betrayal--Again!

13 December 2014 - 09:33 AM

Anyone take note of the Republicans push through congress, against many Democrats, of the spending bill which hands Obama virtually everything he wanted, including funding for Obamacare and his unconstitutional (illegal) executive order giving what amounts to amnesty to about 5 million illegals in this country?


Only a tiny few Republicans opposed this, one of the most vocal being Michele Bachmann at the end of her time in office. She has been hammered and totally misrepresented in the MSM and even worse in the cyber "news" world.


One talking head called this a tactical move and claimed the Republicans will do something about the bad things some time next year. Yet as those on the actual Right have pointed out, by that time the funding will already be in place and the programs in action and that can't be stopped or reversed.


As was also pointed out, with the Republicans pushing through the funding for Obama's immigration executive order they will now be hard pressed to fight against that as being unconstitutional when they are now on record as funding the program.


More of the same from congressional Republicans and the liberal leaning leadership. Talk tough, govern and vote like a wimp. Promise voters a shiny apple and hand them a rotten lemon.

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